Not happy to begin with. I woke up with my eyes feeling scratchy and heavy-lidded despite the antibiotic ointment applied overnight. And THEN–while I’m trying to eat breakfast–a dark flash darts from under the refrigerator to under the stove. And I am inwardly shaking. I don’t know whether I can stay. I’m exhausted to begin with. I don’t know what to do with myself here. I need my “home” to be a place I can return to for refuge, a place I can flop down and rest, not a place I must flee every day and stay away from as long as possible. (Also, my designated room still has a closet full of stuff piled into it and no real room for even the few clothes I have brought with me. I had to remove someone’s shirts hanging on a hook and pile them on two bags full of materials in order to have a place to hang my towels. Also, someone in the house smokes somewhat. I’m told there’s an air purifier in the room that I can use. But it is half hidden under the bags of materials.)
What to do?
At first, I felt like just packing up and going home–my real home. Or, maybe stick it out for a week to see a few friends but not the originally planned month. A friend suggested I go up to Columbia and see if they have rooms of rent posted that I could move to. I did, but it ultimately did not make much sense to spend days looking into something that might not be any better or even available. Hotels at last minute could have bedbugs–one reason I wanted to rent in this fashion to begin with. Just had not counted on mice and possible smoke.
And when I went to Starbucks to drown my sorrows and fears in a chai latte and lemon pound cake, I couldn’t even get a seat, had to carry it with me.
I used to say that, when traveling, I would rather have an interesting time than a good one. So why am I feeling so bereft by this? So much like surrendering and going home? Perhaps because I just don’t have the energy for it right now? And because I CAN go home? But it would be, in part, with a sense of defeat. Neither I nor my mom can go home to her home again?
While up around Columbia, I walked north to 122nd street and Riverside Drive–Grant’s Tomb, surrounded by low barriers and signs saying “Government property, no trespassing.” What’s the point? (I remember the old joke riddle: Who”s buried in Grant’s Tomb?)
I also went into the Riverside church across the street and sat for a while inside with the cool and the quiet. (It is a very warm beginning to October.)
It was too late in the day to do anything much, so I took the no. 1 to 42nd and Broadway, and walked through Bryant Park over to the Main public library, and renewed my out-of-state library card. So if I decide to research Madison House there, I have a card allowing me to do so.
When I came home, I asked whether anything had happened about the mouse. My landlady said she had not been able to get hold of the super–or else she said he would deal with it in the next couple of days? Or both? Why am I not clear on that? But I guess I felt satisfied, in the moment at least, because I said that I would try to stay for a week, and then play it by ear about whether to stay the rest of the month, and asked if that was okay. She said it was fine, whatever I do.
After that, we had a nice conversation for about an hour about my life and her life, and it was friendly and she said that she doesn’t watch her tv, but I could any time I like. That her son could show me how to use it. (It’s a large tv–does not look too different from what they’re usually like, so I’m sure, with a remote or two, I could handle it.) For the moment, I am listening to Rachel Maddow on my computer and can watch netflix on my computer too. But I think she is easygoing, if perhaps a bit disorganized, and her offer made me feel I can use the living room, not just my room and the kitchen, so makes me feel freer, less confined. (As I told her, I didn’t know what my boundaries were, and had not wanted to overstep.)
So, that’s day two. My goal: get some good rest. Start again tomorrow–go to Madison House. And explain tomorrow night, why.